John Gottman is known as one of the guru's of marriage & couples counseling. He and his colleagues utilize a lab in Seattle where couples are hooked up and evaluated based on physiological response.
Several years ago I read his text, "The Seven Principles of Marriage". Although I am not married, nor am I sure if I ever will be, the idea of relationships captives me. Regardless of working with an individual, a family, or a couple, I often view people and interactions in a relational way. John Gottman's texts help those who may be struggling in their relationship or looking to solidify the positive qualities that already exist.
Gottman discusses the idea of "bids". Bids are defined as: turning towards each other in a means to connect with one another; being there for each other during the minor events in everyday life; and responding favorably to the partners bids for attention, affection, humor, and support.
As a young adult who has recently ended a long term relationship, it was important to me to reevaluate my role in relationships. The one part I noticed I really missed the proverbial boat on, was that of bids. That turning towards and leaning in to my partner is important and necessary. I won't completely take the blame as I believe neither of us was leaning in or returning bids. However, I realize now, over two years later and in a new relationship, that I respond to bids in a more conscious manner. I attempt to respond to bids not only with my partner, but also with my friendships and my family.
You may be asking, "what does a bid look like?". Below are several examples that may provide some clarification...
1.) Your mom calls and you have 5-10 minutes to talk to her, answer and say hello or send a response letting her know you'll call back.
2.) Your partner reaches to hold your hand, you respond by holding their hand. No limp limbs around here!
3.) Your partner comes home upset and needing to vent when all you want to do is figure out dinner. Grant them the 10 minutes to vent and be heard and feel validated. They may even be willing to help with dinner!
Focusing on bids has allowed me to become increasingly comfortable with vulnerability. I am learning to be more in tune and responsive to the emotional needs of those around me.
So what stands in the way of bids? Your cellphone, your anger, your resentments, your inability to set and express boundaries, etc, etc, etc...
Reading Suggestions:
3.)
The Gottman Relationship Blog
I want to acknowledge that the Gottman theory has a vein of heterosexual, whiteness that is often critiqued in the LMFT world. Please keep in mind that he is simply attempting to help couples who are most likely already in a healthy place and are willing to do the work required to change the things that may be necessary to help the relationship continue to thrive.
*If you, or your partner, are considering separation or divorce, please contact a therapist in your area. If you or your partner are a danger to yourselves or one another, please contact 9-1-1 or go to a local emergency room. The post is meant as educational, not therapeutic.*
